#10- Wild card

 For my wild card I wanted to talk about something that most people will not and that is mentally health and my story since it is mental health awareness month.  Now people have been more open to talking about their mental health but still to this day people are uncomfortable talking about it and that's fine. I used to be very uncomfortable when it came to mental health and how I was feeling. I didn't really understand how important it actually was until I was in a dark hole that I couldn't get out of by myself. I was forced to come out of my comfort zone and tell someone what I was thinking in my brain. I have depression has a lot of people do but I didn't want to admit to it because I didn't want people to look at me different or think I was just the "sad friend". Although it didn't look like I had depression because I was always happy and smiling around the people when I got alone I would cry myself to sleep most nights and I had very dark thoughts all through out the day.  I got told I had depression at the ripe age of 15 and as a 15 year old that had everything under the sun a great family, all the clothes and shoes I wanted, great friends , I was good in all the sports I played, and I had no real responsibility's I couldn't understand why I was sad all the time. I didn't understand it at all and I didn't understand until I faced it head on. 

The thing about have depression is that most people that have it don't have a reason for having it and that's the funny thing, but one time my therapist said to me "you don't need a reason to be sad, just be sad." Thats when I finally stopped trying to understand why I was sad and I just let myself be sad. For a while I didn't take care of myself and if you know me in really life you know that is not like me but it is true. My mom would make me do the things that any person would do on a daily basis. My mom never once said "oh its just a faze" and that helped me a lot because it wasn't. A lot of people feel the same way I feel when it come to feeling sad. you feeling you are drowning just not underwater, you feel like your feet are in concrete but its just your socks, you feel like there are 1000 pounds of weight on your chest but it is just your blanket on your bed. There is really no way of explain depression for me to have you understand. you just gotta live it with to find out

Once I stopped trying to act like I didn't have depression was when I truly got better. I had to have uncomfortable talks to my mom, dad, and brother. I have to have uncomfortable talks with myself. I had to pick myself off the ground most nights and make myself do the thing that my mom would normally make me do and when I felt sad, I didn't hide it. I felt it and it would sit with my like it was my bestie. I literally had to let it beat me up to my lowest in order to get better. Now that's what I did but most people don't. but that was something I needed to do for myself. once you are at your lowest there is no going down from there it is only up. you are already at the down of the pool, so you have to find the fight in you to swim all the way to the top even if you don't you can make it. You better fight, and that's what I did. I fought long and hard to get to were I am now. 

Not saying I did all the work on my own. I had family, friends, and even teachers to help me get to where I am now. If I didn't have strong minded people in my life at that time of my life, I wouldn't have a life and I mean that. There was this one teacher in highschool that I had. She was my cheer coach too. She was a women that was very scary if you haven't talked to her before but once you talk to her you see that she is the most caring person in the world. She was the person I would go to if I was feeling sad at school. I would go to her class and give her one look and she would tell me to go to the back room and wait for her. I have cried in her arm and even called her in the middle of the night because she was all I wanted and the only one that I knew could calm me down. Her and I have a special bond to this day and all I wanted to do was make her proud. So I stayed on this earth for her. She was my reason for a long time because I couldn't stomach the thought of letting her down. I didn't like disappointing her because she would give me this look and it broken my heart every time she would look at me that way. So I made the choice to not disappoint her. She knew my thoughts and she was always watching me at school, so I tried so hard to get better for her and finally after a well I wasn't trying to be happy I was just happy. 

I am now 21 years old and I love my life. yes I do get sad sometime but I know how to deal with that sadness head on and not let it control me anymore. Now I am a listening ear to anyone that is willing to tell me their story or if they just wanna vent I am here for that too. I make it apart of my life to help people going through a hard time because I just might be their reason for staying on this earth. I am never too busy or too tired to listen to someone who needs me. So my advice for people going through something like depression is to go straight through it. don't try to avoid it because it will only come back stronger. you have to have those uncomfortable conversations with yourself. you have to feel things you didn't even know you could feel in order to get better. 

Depression is normal so let's just act like it and stop acting like it is a death sentence. you can win over depression if you fight, so fight.